Subject To Change

Neglect

ladyfrazetta — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:08:59 +0000

So I haven’t really updated much lately…I stopped doing Jenny Craig because 1) it’s so expensive and 2) I was getting beyond tired of eating all that processed food. I think it was making my moods worse overall and things have been a little more even since I went off it. I’m debating my next step, I may just go back to weight watchers since it has worked somewhat in the past and I can eat real food at least.

Lacking motivation hardcore right now….

Kudos to Newsweek for this Article!

ladyfrazetta — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:24:27 +0000

Fat people who are fit and healthy: http://www.newsweek.com/id/215135

Weigh in #4 – WIN!

ladyfrazetta — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:21:02 +0000

Weigh in week 4 – I lost 2.8 pounds! I have to admit that this fact AMAZED me as it has been a week from hell. Me and my boyfriend broke up, and I indulged in not only half of a buffalo chicken pizza and garlic bread, but a copious amount of alcohol as well. Very copious amounts…but I wasn’t drinking alone at least. I also went out to eat with my mom for her birthday and ate way more than usual. I had french toast for breakfast yesterday and a large steak for dinner last night. So how in the world did I lose almost 3 pounds?!

I think the main reason behind this was physical activity. I went hiking on Saturday and it was more exertion than I have inflicted on my muscles in a very long time. I also took several long walks outside involving steep hills and was just busy running all around in general this week. Apparently that made the difference between gaining or losing. After such an emotional week, this was the pickup I needed more than anything. When I gained half a pound last week, I felt so incredibly defeated, like I was never going to be successful. I let myself cheat and gave in to emotional overeating because I thought I was just a hopeless case and it didn’t matter. But by sticking to the diet for the most part and getting in lots of exercise, I feel I have proven to myself that there IS hope. And if I can keep believing that, maybe this will even work.

First Real Downfall

ladyfrazetta — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:17:17 +0000

Weigh in # 3 – I gained half a pound. Great. Could have something to do with the Mexican fiesta I had last Monday, or perhaps the enormous Filipino barbeque I attended on Saturday. Or the bag of extra buttery microwave popcorn. Yes, all that in a week, no wonder I find myself here. My Jenny Craig person had me do an interesting exercise to try to help me figure out why I sabotaged myself. On a piece of paper create 2 columns; on the first column ask yourself questions writing with your dominant hand (righty in my case), and answer writing with your non-dominant hand, allowing your “inner” voice to reply. I found it a very cool exercise, I had to ask questions like “how old are you, are you planning to bring me down again?” etc. I might even continue the exercise at home, since the questions provoked some rather sensitive and buried issues for me.

I feel like there is an overemotional 12 year old inside my head telling me I should eat what I want when I want, because I CAN. After giving it some thought I realized that’s the age where I began to develop emotional overeating behavior patterns. It was an awkward age for me, boys didn’t like me at all yet, although I was crazy about them (not much has changed but at least they reciprocate now!), and the rejection was a constant sting. Add that to my parents’ constant fighting and ensuing divorce, and my decline from “popular” to rumored lesbian goth weirdo and we have ourselves an emotional eater folks. Ironically my metabolism was so good during my teenage years that I ate whatever I wanted and remained at a healthy and attractive weight. It wasn’t until I hit my freshman year of college that I packed on all these pounds. Once I hit the college dining hall, my metabolism decided to basically stop. That’s oversimplifying it but my point is that the behavior was already well in place and had never had negative consequences before. Trying to lose the weight it’s so much harder than I ever thought it could be to break the pattern of emotional eating. I haven’t been in the best mental frame of mind lately – I’m having trouble adjusting to living with my mom, my friends and boyfriend are upstate and becoming more distant than they should, and I’m anxious as hell about going back to school in just over a week. And I’m supposed to DIET during all this?! It seems crazy in a way, but my weight is a big part of what’s holding me back emotionally from living a full life, so I think it’s important to address it now rather than later.

I didn’t think a JC consult could provoke so much deep emotion. But it makes sense since weight loss is much more mentally based than I initially realized. Until that rejected 12 year old girl feels better, this road is going to be really tough. I need to start figuring out how food can go back to being just food, not my personal version of heroin.

Tough Day

ladyfrazetta — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 05:50:55 +0000

The results of Week 2 was a weight loss of 1.9 pounds. I also made it to the gym twice this week so far. This made me glad and gave me hope that maybe I have what it takes this time around. But ever since yesterday I have been starving…and moody. And crying for no reason. No it’s not PMs. I wish I knew what it was so I could fix it but in any case I had a very weak moment. Ate a whole bag of Jolly Time’s most buttery level of popcorn, and enjoyed every greasy bite. Except now I feel horrible…I felt bad already which is what led to the decision that would only make me feel worse. Ahh the joys of emotional eating. I didn’t think we had any unhealthy snacks left in the house, but apparently my fat chick sense led me right to where I shouldn’t have been. I feel so guilty I ripped the bag up in pieces and tried to hide it under other garbage, so my mother won’t see it. Doing that made me feel like a drug addict.

I realize that there are all types of addiction. I have a friend who attends both AA and SA (sexaholics) meetings…I think he might be worse off than me. He’s also addicted to nicotine, but I swear it’s part of what keeps him so skinny. I don’t think most people would accept food as a “legitimate” addiction, but it is. Not so much the food itself, but the act of eating it and the reasons why. Greasy popcorn is not so special, but eating it to soothe my crappy unexplainable mood feels like taking a hit while I’m in the process of eating it. I don’t know what the answer is; it always turns into a cycle where I feel even worse and eat even more. I think I realize that pattern now better than I used to, so maybe I can wake up tomorrow and have it be a new day where I can start all over again. Honestly, food is not my first addictive behavior, but since I have dropped any others I find myself feeling like it’s all I have. Why can’t I be one of those people who are addicted to exercise? At least it would get me closer to my goal rather than away from it.

My stomach feels bloated now from the popcorn and I’m thankful that I still have a few days before my next weigh in. I think I need to take those days to focus on figuring out why I am upset, and work on taking care of myself the right way so I feel better. I believe the gym is in order tomorrow, even though I have a foot injury that I really need looked at. Does anyone have any good tips that have helped them deal with emotional eating?

Margaret Cho said I’m beautiful so it must be true

ladyfrazetta — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:39:11 +0000

Or at least that’s what she told everyone in the audience on her DVD titled as such. I’m having a bit of a low self esteem day. I stuck to my diet plan perfectly, eating everything I was supposed to and nothing I wasn’t, but I was too lazy to go to the gym or leave the house in general. After showering and throwing on sweatpants I looked in the mirror and felt kind of grossed out. It didn’t help matters when my mother came home from work and made a face at the snack I was SUPPOSED to eat of 2 rice cakes, a bit of peanut butter and a string cheese, saying, “isn’t that kind of a big snack?” Great, so now I feel guilty about eating even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do.

I always tend to feel a bit like a bug caught in a mason jar when I’m around my mother. Like she is carefully inspecting me for any new appearance of fat, or loss thereof. I had this idea in my head that moving home for grad school was a good idea because 1) I’m saving money and 2) she is the food nazi. But I didn’t count on her ability to make me feel like utter crap in the process. What is supposed to be Weight Loss Bootcamp in my head has turned into Self Esteem Smackdown. It’s going to be a long two years if I don’t find a way to let it roll off my back fat. Yes, I said back fat.

Self Acceptance: More difficult than it should be

ladyfrazetta — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:41:41 +0000

As I’ve begun this weight loss journey, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I accept myself the way I am now. The unfortunate answer: not nearly enough. I do try to be positive, to tell myself that I am beautiful at any size, that losing the weight won’t help my self esteem, and that I am no less valuable than my friend who is a size 4. But then I turn on the tv, or flip open a magazine and BOOM! Self hatred comes bubbling to the surface.

I am far from the first person to realize this, but the degree to which society tells women to hate our bodies is just astounding. How is any woman supposed to accept herself while surrounded and inundated by anorexic/Photoshopped models at every turn? Internet dating sites are almost as bad. Browse through the listings on any given site, and you will see over and over again men demanding, “must be slim, fit, and attractive.” I guess your own beer gut doesn’t count? Even in the platonic listings, I see these same demands. Apparently men don’t want to be seen with a larger woman even as friends. I read through these ads and find my self esteem becoming more and more deflated by the minute. I can’t help but feel close to worthless because the word “slim” does not apply to me. What about my intelligence, my wry sense of humor, my loyalty, my sense of fun? What about the fact that I AM attractive, even though I am not thin? None of that seems to matter, and after spending some time reading these listings, it doesn’t matter so much to me either. I find myself thinking, if only I too could be slim and fit, a whole new world would open up to me.

Honestly, I read these ads mostly out of curiosity, as I am already dating someone. I also find myself feeling relieved after an exercise like that, thinking, “At least I have someone who can deal with the fact that I’m overweight.” But even this is a flawed way of thinking, as I end up feeling gratitude towards him for something that shouldn’t even be an issue. I hate to admit it, but I also tend to excuse not always being treated the way I deserve, since he’s so willing to excuse my fat. His own attitude on the subject is slightly disturbing. He takes pride in telling me, “But you’re not really a fat chick, you just have some extra weight on you. You still have curves and a shape like you’re supposed to.” Which begs the question: what if I gained more weight? If my diet completely backfires and I end up fatter than before, I worry that I will end up single as well. Not the greatest feeling ever.

On the other end of the spectrum are the ads that specifically demand “BBW’s.” I don’t find this demand to be much better. The only thing worse than being rejected for my weight is to be desired because of it. Even if my body type fits the bill, there is still little to no mention of my other endearing qualities. If I were to date someone with this preference, I run into the same problem only reversed: what if I lose my 76 pounds and he is no longer attracted to me? Again I end up single based on my weight. Some days I want to forget about dating entirely and go live in a cave. Although I suspect that would get boring and lonely fairly quickly.

Argh…

ladyfrazetta — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:45:53 +0000

OK, I ate the popcorn…a small one but with butter on it (what’s the point otherwise?). Could have done worse I suppose.

The Journey Begins: Me vs. Fat

ladyfrazetta — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 00:29:50 +0000

Given, not the most inventive title I could have come up with. However, I had to start somewhere as I think writing may be the only way I can get through this. A quick summary – I gained the famous “Freshman 15″ my first year of college, times seven. I lost 30 pounds of it and accidentally took a break for 3 years. Now I’m taking on my new goal: 76 pounds. It may sound like a random number, but it has significance to me in terms of what number I won’t be horrified by on the scale.

I have decided to go the route of Jenny Craig – I don’t cook much, and it keeps that voice in my head that pleads “just a bit more” at bay, since the meals are pre-portioned. I just finished my first week on the program, and I lost 3.9 pounds. This is an encouraging beginning, but it doesn’t much help the hunger I am feeling right now after finishing my dinner of grilled vegetables, minuscule amount of mac n cheese, and yet more vegetables in the form of green beans. Breakfast and lunch seem to be the easiest meals to deal with, and I feel relatively satisfied after eating. Yet for some unknown reason, right around 6pm every day, I am ravenous. Dinner is a big letdown, followed by my teeny tiny dessert a few hours later, sending me to bed with an empty, growling feeling in my stomach.

Seeing the number decrease on the scale just might make the pain worth it though. It’s amazing to think how many people are out there right now going through the exact same thing. It’s both comforting and a bit depressing, as it’s not easy for anyone, and if they tell you it is then they’re lying. Well, I’m off to the movies, ready to battle the smell of butter-drenched popcorn and see how I fare.